Maison · Haute Melonerie · LTD
Melonly
The most mad overpriced melons on the entire internet.
At Melonly, every melon is hand-selected, sung to nightly, and assigned a personal therapist. Is it worth it? No. Absolutely not. That's the point. Prices begin where your common sense ends and continue well past your credit limit.
- Starting at
- $9,750
- Markup
- 48,000%
- Refunds
- Never
Was $9,750 · Now $12,400
Pictured: Gerald. Not for sale. Emotionally unavailable.
Mad overpriced. No refunds. Absolutely not worth it.
The Seasonal Collection
Currently accepting suitors
Prices exclude tax, rind handling, seed extraction, and the mandatory gratuity paid directly to the melon. Melons cannot be purchased online; one must be found worthy.
Le Yubari Royale
Hokkaido, by private jet
$18,500
Begin the inquiry processArrives with a notarized certificate of feelings.
Lead time: 14 months
The Densuke Noir
Grown exclusively in moonlight
$42,000
Begin the inquiry processRibbon sold separately ($3,200).
Lead time: 2 harvests
Honeydew of Versailles
Half melon. The other half is spoken for.
$9,750
Begin the inquiry processKnife may be viewed but not touched.
Lead time: 9 weeks
The Cube
Edition of 1 · Museum provenance
$66,600
Begin the inquiry processDo not eat. Do not make eye contact.
Lead time: Upon approval of the board
Transparent pricing (mostly)
Fees, surcharges & obligations
A Maison Melonly LTD acquisition is less a purchase and more a lifelong commitment. Membership is required to submit an inquiry, and an inquiry is required to apply for membership.
Cantaloupe Circle
Permission to view our newsletter.
$12,000 / yr
Honeydew Society
One (1) melon-scented candle, unlit.
$48,000 / yr
The Order of the Rind
We will not tell you what it includes.
By invitation
| Item | Amount |
|---|---|
Inquiry processing fee Charged per form field completed. | $249 |
Rind handling surcharge Our handlers wear white silk gloves. Twice. | $1,150 |
Seed extraction Seeds are returned to you in a velvet pouch. | $85 / seed |
Melon gratuity Paid directly to the melon. It knows if you skip it. | 18% |
Ripeness consultation A 15-minute call with our Ripeness Sommelier. | $4,000 |
Emotional transition fee For the melon, upon leaving the estate. | $720 |
Expedited shipping Melons travel at their own pace. | Not offered |
* All fees are subject to change based on the melon's mood, lunar phase, and whether you said "watermelon" when you meant "melon."
Form MM-27b (Revised)
Request an audience with a melon
Our melons do not accept email, telephone calls, or eye contact. All correspondence must pass through this simple, four-part inquiry. Average completion time: one afternoon and a light existential crisis.
- 1Identity
- 2Melon Disposition
- 3Verification
- 4Declarations